I don't think I ever understood love before I met Kevin. It sounds
like a cliché, I know. Sure, I had relationships, several in fact,
but now it seems to me that they were more a convenience. Having someone
at home meant you weren't alone, meant sex didn't have to be initiated
in a noisy bar, it meant sharing an apartment, cooking, cleaning. I
thought that all these things added up to love, but, now I wonder if
they only added up to convenience and like rather than love. Loving
Kevin is often anything but convenient. Loving Kevin is sometimes being
worried, it is sometimes hurting for him so much that there is an actual
physical pain in my chest, it means sometimes being so irritated with
him I could strangle him. But, loving Kevin means that convenience and
ease of living are no longer the priority that they once were. I'd take
a life with Kevin in hell over a life in heaven without him any day of
the week.
Today, is a day I thought I would never have, a day I gave up hope for
when I admitted to myself that my attraction to men wasn't ever going to
go away. A day I thought I would never be allowed to have. Today, I marry
Kevin.
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