Decisions

Thanks to the best beta, Dizzy for her comments and editing.

Sam looked over his shoulder as I came in the kitchen. He was stirring
something in a skillet on the stove. His hand paused as I put my arms around
his waist from behind and kissed the nape of his neck. "Mmmmm, you smell good."
I peered over his shoulder while taking several breaths, breathing in a mixture
of him and what he was cooking.

I could hear Sam's smile in his voice. "That's dinner. But if you really like
it, I'll look for some oregano cologne." I smiled too and reluctantly stepped
away going over to the sink and washing my hands.

Sam glanced over. "Oh Aaron, I had a call from my brother today. He has a
meeting in Boston on Friday and wants to rent a car and come visit us once his
meeting is over."

"Which brother? David?" Sam is the youngest of three boys and a girl. There are
five years between Sam and David who is the closest in age to Sam. Charlie is
eight years older than Sam. And Jenna is ten years older. Being so much
younger Sam spent much of his childhood only seeing his siblings at holidays and
vacations. David is by far the sibling who he is closest to.

"Yes. David. I invited him to stay the weekend, but he said Friday night is the
most he can manage. He said Elaine would not be happy with him if he didn't
come home and help with the baby."

"That's very good of him to make the effort to come see us. It's been awhile.
Let's see... Jessica must be about eleven months old now. It seems impossible
that much time has gone by." It made me feel wistful. We had seen David and his
family at Christmas time. Now October, it seemed to have been just a blink of
the eye since then.

"He said he'd be here around five. Do you want to eat in or go out? I'm not
going to have a lot of extra time on Friday; the team has a match that
afternoon." Sam is the tennis pro at a nearby tennis club. He gives lessons and
organizes tournaments; he also manages a small staff who do a variety of things
from scheduling games to keeping the courts in good shape. In addition to his
club job he also coaches the high school tennis team. He is paid a small salary
but mostly he does it because he enjoys the kids.

"Then let's eat out. Maybe at that new Mexican place?" I suggested. I walked up
behind him again; massaging his shoulders with my hands.

"Sounds good." Sam put the lid on the skillet he had been stirring, put the
spoon down and adjusted the heat. He turned around. His arms came up around my
neck and mine went around his waist. He leaned his body against mine. I found
his mouth and kissed him deeply. Pressed together from head to foot I could
feel both our cocks respond. Without comment and without even looking, Sam
reached behind him in a practiced move and turned off the stove. He brought his
arm up around my neck again and we intensified our kissing, I gripped his rear,
one hand on each cheek, squeezing hard and pulling him forcefully against my
groin. Dinner was obviously going to have to wait.

******

Friday evening, Sam hurried to open the front door. "David! Hey, it's good to
see you." Sam and David hugged each other tightly.

I walked up next to Sam and as they drew apart, I stuck out my hand and smiled
into Sam's green eyes in someone else's face. "David. It's great to see you;
thanks for coming."

David grabbed my hand but kept pulling, pulling me into a hug much like the one
he and Sam had just exchanged. "Aaron, it's great to see you too."

"Want a beer?" Sam asked his brother.

"You bet." David and I followed Sam into the kitchen and watched as Sam stuck
one hand in the refrigerator and pulled out three bottles.

Handing David and I a bottle, Sam starting rapidly asking questions. "How was
your meeting? Was the traffic bad getting here? How's my little niece?"

David grinned at Sam's enthusiasm. "The meeting was okay, the traffic was awful.
You look good Sam, you look really good. Elaine and Jessica send their love."

A little unclear about child development milestones Sam looked surprised. "Wait
a minute, she can talk?"

"Okay, she would have sent her love if she talked, and if she could understand
that I was visiting her uncle," David smiled as he clarified.

"How are they?" I asked.

David turned toward me. "Oh they're great. Jessica is starting to walk; she's
such a happy kid. Elaine is happy too, but she's tired a lot of the time,
actually we're both tired a lot of the time. Jessica is exhausting, cute but
exhausting."

"Did you bring pictures?" Sam asked.

David laughed, "Sam, I send you photos all the time. But, yeah I have a few and
a couple of videos of her learning to walk."

"Our dinner reservations are for seven, we need to leave in about a half hour.
Why don't we wait to see those when we get back and have more time," I
suggested.


******

After we returned home from the restaurant we looked at David's videos and
caught up on family news. We stayed up much later than we usually do talking
with David well into the night. Later as we were getting ready for bed Sam asked
casually, "Aaron, do you think you'd ever want kids?"

I answered without really thinking much about it. "No, not really. I'm happy
with things just the way they are right now." I was beyond tired and I yawned
saying, "if it isn't broken don't fix it. C'mon Sam lets go to sleep."


******

Since that brief visit with David a few days ago, something has been troubling
Sam. He has been mostly quiet and moody and then, seemingly out of the blue,
he'll snap at me about something and then apologize profusely. It is impossible
for Sam to conceal it when something is bothering him, but it's not always easy
for him to put his worries into words. I have asked him a few times if there is
something on his mind but he insists there is not. Clearly that is not true. I
know that I need to put the time in with Sam to find out what's going on. My
plan is to suggest a drive to the coast this weekend. Sometimes, with the forced
time sitting in the car and facing forward rather than looking at each other
it's easier for Sam to express what's on his mind.

Well, that was the plan anyway. But, Friday night it all went to hell in a hand
basket.

Sam arrived home late on Friday, but since I knew he had had another high school
match to coach I wasn't surprised. I heard him come in and then the sounds of
him heading up the stairs. I went to the kitchen door wiping my hands on a
towel. He was on the landing when I called to him, "Dinner in five minutes."

"Okay, Aaron."

Sam came down a few minutes later and started to set the table. I glanced at
him out of the corner of my eye. Usually when we first get home in the evening
we'll greet each other with a hug or kiss and ask about our respective days.
Tonight, Sam wouldn't even look at me. I walked over to the table and touched
his arm, "Sam, is everything alright?"

Sam took a deep breath and still with no eye contact said, "Everything's okay,
but I got into a little fender bender on the way home."

Surprised, and although I could see he wasn't hurt an irrational fear gripped my
stomach. I asked, "You're okay? You're not hurt?"

"That's what I just said, wasn't it?" He snapped a little sharply.

I ignored the surliness and asked quietly, "what happened?"

In a dull, just the reciting the facts, tone of voice he said, "I was pulling
onto Route 78 and was watching behind me for a place to pull into traffic, I
started to accelerate without realizing there was a car in front of me that had
chosen to wait. They were standing still and I had just started accelerating so
it wasn't too bad. Both cars have a little damage."

I know that accidents happen to everyone. I certainly wasn't going to give him a
hard time. "The car we can fix. I can see how that could happen. In fact, I can
imagine doing the very same thing. I'm glad you're okay. Did you exchange
insurance information?"

"Yes, and .... the cop gave me a ticket."

"What for? Reckless driving?" Even though I didn't blame him I well understood
why the police would.

"Yes." I was surprised to see tears in his eyes.

I looked at him not looking at me. "What is it Sam? Come here baby." I pulled
him into my arms and he cried softly. Alarmed, it was all I could do to just
hold him biting my tongue on the dozen or so questions trying to leap out of my
mouth.

After a few minutes, I held him back so I could see his face. "You know Sam,
this isn't a disaster. I'm not angry, and you're not in any trouble with me."

I could feel him stiffening as he tried to get himself under control. "I
thought you'd be mad that I was careless. I was careless, you know? I should
have looked in front of me."

"That's true." I said slowly. "But, you are a careful driver, I know that, you
know that. We all make mistakes and have lapses in concentration now and then.
Now if you'd been on your cell phone or doing something else unsafe, that would
be different, that would be negligence."

Sam looked up sharply, "I wasn't, I swear I wasn't Aaron!"

"Honey, I know. And you'll pay the fine, or whatever is required, and accept the
penalties we all do when something we do causes harm. Really Sam, it's not the
end of the world."

I let go of him and went over to turn off the stove. It felt like it was the
right time to confront him about what's been on his mind. Even though he was
upset he was looking at me and confiding in me and the distance that I had been
sensing between us seemed to have disappeared. I didn't want to allow the walls
to go back up.

"Let's take a walk Sam." He looked at my questioningly but followed me to the
door.

I couldn't help glancing towards his car when we went outside, but we didn't
stop to look. Instead, we started walking towards the end of the street. After
a few minutes I quietly said, "You've been preoccupied lately and not willing to
talk about whatever it is troubling you. Whether or not that affected your
driving, I don't know. But I do know that you need to tell me what's going on."

Sam ducked his head a little. "It's okay Aaron."

I wasn't having it. "No, it's not okay Sam. Something is troubling you and it's
affecting both of us. I want you to talk with me."

"I'm okay."

"Samuel."

"It's stupid."

"Samuel."

We walked for several minutes in silence. Reluctantly, Sam began, "Remember you
said that you wouldn't ever want kids? Aaron, I think maybe I do want kids,
someday at least." He quickly added, "It'll be okay, I'm almost over it. I
want you more than I want kids and I don't want to lose you." Then he drew a
breath and continued more slowly, "but, it's made me a bit sad for awhile that's
all. It's just .... I always thought that someday I would be a dad. Even after
I knew I was gay, it just never occurred to me that I wouldn't be. Stupid, I
know."

I sighed and reached for his hand squeezing it. "Sam, you need to talk with me.
You need to tell me this sort of thing. I love you and I want to know what
your desires and thoughts and dreams are. If we had discussed this days ago, I
would have told you that what I meant was that I felt complete with you. That I
don't feel a need for children or any particular desire to have them. But, that
isn't the same thing as not wanting them. If you think you may want to be a
father someday then it's something we need to consider together. Sam, what I
want is not ever going to take precedent over what you want. Never. We are
going to do what other couples do in solid relationships. Talk and discuss and
hopefully come to an agreement on things. Don't ever do this again, don't ever
take something I have said and assume that is carved in stone. I forbid it.
You need to talk with me, particularly about things that are troubling you. Is
that understood?"

"Yes, Aaron. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I'm so very sorry."

"I know, Sam. But I want your agreement. It's not okay for you to keep things
to yourself until you 'get over them.' That will never be okay. You don't do
this again, and if you do, that will be grounds for disciplining you. Yes?"

"Yes, Aaron."

I continued, "We are both too raw emotionally to have the kid conversation right
now. And I'm sure it won't be a single conversation anyway. But, we will talk
about it. Okay?"

"Yes, Aaron."

"Let's go home and eat dinner, and then I think curled up together watching TV
sounds good to me. I think we're both exhausted."

"Yes, Aaron."

We walked silently for a few minutes and then I felt him squeeze my hand.
"Aaron.... you know I love you, right?"

"Yes, Sam."

We made the turn towards home, his hand warm in mine. And for just a split
second I envisioned a child between us, both of us holding a small hand.
Frankly, it scared the hell out of me!